Conversations with yourself
Everyone needs a coach, but for a range of reasons, there are times when this is just not practical. When you need a coach but can’t access one, you don’t need to go without. Instead, turn to yourself for some DIY coaching.
I remember when I ‘found’ my first coach. The limitations of coach-like relationships within my organization at the time had become all too clear and knew I needed more. I knew I needed someone to be on my side, with no agenda but my own fulfillment and success, because that’s what would drive theirs.
When I found that person, it was by sheer chance, but the realisation hit me like a brick. I knew that I’d found the person that would help me, and after a few sessions I remember thinking to myself “why didn’t I find a coach sooner?” There may have been a bit of self-reprimand and cursing accompanying that epiphany! As with many things, you don’t know what you’ve been missing until you find it.
Now, when I see the impact I have on my own clients, it reinforces my deep-seated belief that everyone needs a coach. Not a ‘manager/leader as coach’ (though these are great when it comes to matters in the workplace!) but YOUR coach. Someone totally on your side, dedicated to your success.
The benefits of having a coach are profound. Though they vary from person to person, from my own experience I know that people with a suitable coach:
experience greater happiness at work,
enjoy better relationships and are offered more opportunities.
improve their confidence through greater self awareness of awareness of others, and
enjoy a significantly enhanced reputation.
However, there are times when either having a coach, or a conversation with your coach, isn’t possible. What do you do then? This is where self-coaching comes into play.
Self-coaching is, much as it sounds, the ability to apply coaching behaviours to yourself, to achieve positive outcomes such as you would get from a session with a coach.
Firstly, let's address the prerequisites for successful self-coaching. There are some things we humans just aren’t equipped for. We’re not designed, for example, to tickle ourselves; we anticipate the experience and adjust our reaction as a result. For the same reason, we’re also not particularly well equipped to conduct a quality conversation with ourselves that features both objective and compassionate questioning.
So, as much as it’s great to be able to self-coach, there are limitations to the types of matters where it’s effective:
‘Threat’ levels are low: When emotions are high, cognition is low. When we have strong negative emotions, such as when we feel under threat, our cognition is commensurately low. So if you’re in a situation that poses a high threat to you - for example a particularly fraught working relationship that’s threatening your work security, then self-coaching is not your best bet. You’ll need proper help from someone else to work through these kinds of high-threat/high-risk situations. Only attempt self-coaching when the matter at hand is low threat and low risk.
Matters are low-complexity: The more complex a matter, the more threads there are to untangle to find the clarity you seek. If you have a complex matter, for example one that features multiple perspectives or impacts on people other than yourself, it’s best to handle this with someone else. The lower complexity matters are easier to navigate by yourself and are the prime candidate for self-coaching.
You have clarity of your desired end-state: When you don’t know where you want to end-up, it’s harder to explore the issues at hand. If you have a clear idea of what you want to achieve, you can guide yourself effectively towards this, and save the less clear discussions when you have someone to help guide you.
It’s not to say you can’t self-coach in these situations, if you have no alternative available to you. But the limited effectiveness of self-coaching in these circumstances will result in less satisfactory results, making you less inclined to see the benefits of your effort and reduce your likelihood of self-coaching in the future.
Additionally, we often most need to engage with our coaches when we feel least equipped to find answers to our pressing situations. Personally, I’ve had sessions with my coach in the past where I was definitely not in a positive mindset, but by the end of the conversation felt markedly better. But when coaching myself, or helping my clients build their self-coaching skills, starting with a positive mindset is imperative.
If you can’t get yourself into a positive mindset, it’s not the time to self-coach. Hold off until you’re in a better state of mind and able to help, rather than hinder, yourself.
Now let's get into the good stuff. As with all things related to coaching, we’re aiming for greater clarity, value and fulfillment, through giving you the confidence to see and act. So let’s look at practical ways to build your self-coaching skills for the times when self-coaching is the right way to go. I use these on myself all the time, so I know from personal experience that they work. To get prepared:
Give yourself a timeframe, I recommend up to 15 minutes, and set a timer. It’s exhausting to question yourself for too long, so 15 minutes is enough time to get yourself some answers and decide on a course of action!
Frame the matter at hand. What, specifically, is it that you’re trying to get an answer to or resolve? Once you’ve finished this coaching conversation with yourself, how do you want to feel? Write these answers down.
Now you're ready to begin by asking yourself questions and giving yourself honest answers. Then explore further by delving into why you gave that answer. Finish each question by examining what would make things better or different, and how that would make you feel.
You can ask yourself a range of questions, but I’ve found questions that explore the following are the most useful.
Motivation - what’s driving me in this instance?
Incentives - what’s happening around me that might be encouraging me?
Attitudes - what’s my attitude to the situation and the people involved?
Protection - is there anything I’m protecting in this instance?
Assumptions - what am I assuming about this situation?
Priority - what’s most important to me?
Behaviours - what kind of behaviour is helping me, or hindering me?
Values - are my values being challenged in this instance?
Outcomes - what am I really wanting to see or achieve?
Allies - who might be able to help me?
Looking back at how you’ve framed the matter at hand often gives good clues to the best questions to ask.
Don’t feel pressured to ask yourself a lot of questions. By following the QAEE model you may only get through a couple of questions in your allotted time, and that’s OK. Quality is more important than quantity in this instance.
Now, look back at your answers. What can you see in terms of things you can do, either by yourself or with help from those you’re confident will give it? Assess these possible actions against your original framing of the matter. Which of these potential actions would best address the outcome you’re after and will help you feel the way you want to feel? Finish by choosing one or two ideas for further exploration and to take action on.
And that’s it! A lightweight, proven model that takes just 15 minutes to help you self-coach in appropriate situations.
Remember, while you’re self-coaching, act in a coach-like way. Your coach is your unwavering cheerleader and advocate, so it’s important that you back yourself like your coach would. Have confidence that you’ve gotten the answers that you need right now and you can take the action you need to take, whatever that may be.
While everyone needs a coach, we can step in to coach ourselves when the situation is right. So, the next time you’re in a situation where self-coaching would be useful, take 15 minutes to help yourself gain the clarity and confidence to act. Good luck and happy self-coaching!
